My husband and I recently went through (and are still coming out of) one of the craziest, toughest years either of us have ever experienced. It prompted me to want to give a bit of advice on how to stay connected with your partner during tough times, and how to avoid taking your stress and anger out on one another. You can read about our current life situation here if you’re interested.
Generally, the hardest part about facing adversity is feeling as though you have to deal with it alone – and in a marriage or partnership, you shouldn’t have to. When life gets tough (and it’s bound to get tough), the most important thing to remember is that you and your spouse are there together weathering the storm. I understand these statements might sound cliche and generic, but I feel like most things we classify as “cliche” and “generic” were never meant to be seen that way. They were actually meant to be meaningful and genuine. There’s a reason why traditional marriage vows include phrases like “for better or for worse” and “for richer or for poorer”. If we can remember those concepts in the hard moments, it can prevent us from doing or saying things that are uncalled for when we’re feeling stressed.
During a rough patch of marriage, there are a few different ways we can communicate and engage with our partner. Our fight or flight instincts often kick in and we either shut down or lash out. But these instincts aren’t very useful in a high stress situation where both of you need solutions. If you are going through a tough time in life, there are steps you can take to ensure you and your spouse stay on the same page and remind each other that you’re on the same team.
- Actively listen to the other person’s concerns and POV. Active listening means you are listening to understand where they are coming from – not just listening to respond. If they are talking and all you are doing is conjuring up what you’re going to say next or thinking of all the ways you disagree with what they’re saying, you aren’t truly listening.
- Pause before responding or continuing. If you feel yourself starting to shut down or become defensive or emotionally charged, take a moment to stop. Stop what you’re doing and saying. Take a few cleansing breaths – in through the nose, out through the mouth. If you can’t return to a calm state, let the other person know that you need some time to return to your rational brain. I promise it is better to take a walk or even go to sleep angry if it means you will be able to return to the conversation later in a better frame of mind. (Note: My husband is the, “I want to fix this and talk right now” person and I’m the, “I need a minute, I need to calm down and come back” person, so this is usually where we have the most friction).
- Communicate effectively. Everyone says, “communication is key!” but they fail to recognize that it’s how you communicate that is important. Yelling and screaming, shaming and blaming are all forms of communication, but you most likely won’t receive a positive response or end up with a good outcome from doing those things. It is possible to get your feelings and points across without manipulating or mistreating the other person.
- Remind yourself that this is just a hard moment, a bad time, a rough patch. You most likely don’t have a terrible life or a horrible spouse or any of the other negative thoughts that are bound to intrude when you are dealing with something heavy. One hard year of marriage does not (should not) negate the previous 3, 5, or 10 good years.
- Hug your spouse. Seriously, give them a long hug of at least 20 seconds. It’s amazing how easily and quickly this simple act can relax our nervous system. Make sure you regularly show affection like this. Making it a priority to hug and kiss your partner randomly throughout the day can ensure you meet your brain and body’s requirements to maintain emotional intimacy even when things are hard.
- Apologize when you are wrong. Really apologize, and mean it. When you recognize that you hurt the other person and you understand where you messed up, own it and sincerely show them that you are trying to get better at communicating. Admitting our faults allows the other person to see that we have integrity and we care about them, too.
Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, and there will always be times and situations where we lose our cool. Life is going to throw some crazy shit at us from time to time, but even in the midst of the worst situations there are ways we can stay connected with our partner. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a marriage without conflict. Occasional, respectful arguing and discourse to solve problems is actually a sign of a very healthy one! It’s the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other <3