This is just a quick reminder of what it means to show up for your partner, your spouse, your marriage. With the holidays quickly approaching and possible heightened senses and stress, it’s easy to forget what counts most: being present, being compassionate, and being okay with things not always being perfect. Remember to hug your spouse and give your best – even if your best isn’t 100% right now.
How many times have we heard or been told, “relationships should be 50/50”? Probably quite a bit, as it’s a pretty common perception held by many people. I’m here to argue that it simply is not that simple. There will be moments, days, weeks, maybe even months or entire years where you or your partner will not be able to contribute the same amount to the relationship – whether it be emotionally, mentally, physically, or financially. The notion that you both will always be able to give equal amounts of yourselves is unrealistic, at best.
Think about all the ways you have to show up for yourself, your spouse, your kids, and everyone else in your life. Do you really expect yourself to give 100% in all of these relationships 100% of the time? Sometimes we only have 20% available to give – but that doesn’t mean we aren’t giving it our all. If 20% is what you can offer, and you’re offering it fully and wholeheartedly, then you ARE giving 100% of yourself in that moment. The goal in a relationship, and especially in a marriage, is that your partner or spouse can pick up your slack when you need them to. So on those days where all you have is 20%, they can come in and say okay, I got you – here’s my 80% to put us at 100. I’m not saying this is acceptable all the time, but the likelihood that you both will need to rely on each other to fill those gaps every now and then is fairly high. And, you should both be understanding and willing to do so for each other.
For example, sometimes (as a current SAHM) the day has been rough, the baby was fussy, didn’t nap well, I’m tired and overstimulated. On those types of days, I most definitely don’t have the mental capacity left to match my husband 50/50. If he gets home and knows that it’s been a harder sort of day, he already knows I’m probably operating at a solid 30%. He doesn’t get angry or mad or judgmental. Instead, he shows up with his 70% and fills in the gaps where we need it. The same goes for him – if he has a rough day at work and comes home only feeling like he can give 25%, I’m there to supplement the remaining 75%.
When you think about a relationship as a transaction, i.e. something that you simply participate in conditionally or solely to exchange things of equal value, you’re missing the deeper point of the relationship. If this is how you view your marriage, with the, “I give this and you provide that so we’re even” mentality, it’s very probable that there is a lack of emotional depth and a need for more intimate connection. Showing up for your partner is about so much more than doing the bare minimum required to keep things afloat. It’s about acknowledging that the ebbs and flows of life are going to require a willingness from each of you to share and give openly with one another without the expectation of always contributing the same amount.
There are going to be times where both of you will be off and may only be able to contribute 20%. That’s entirely normal and happens to everyone. No relationship is perfect. You’re both allowed to have hard days, to feel crappy, to be in bad moods. It’s how you respond to and treat each other on these days that matters. It’s easy to nitpick what the other person is or isn’t doing, or become defensive about your own actions. But the better option is to acknowledge where you’re both at, make it clear and obvious that you’re not at your best but you don’t want to take it out on each other. Show up for each other when and how you can, to the best of your ability, no matter what that looks like on any given day.